I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize