My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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