the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
if only i could text you this smell
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
3 2 1 whiskey
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
