If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
