Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
