Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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