i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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