Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
