We named our party play list daddy issues
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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