You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
