I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
