And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
