i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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