I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
