I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
