She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
They took my balls.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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