dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
