no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
