ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
