guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Randomize
