I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
