It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
