I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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