i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
