He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
