seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
