Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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