3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What a dumb baby whore.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
