Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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