At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
