haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
