If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
