Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
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