Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
