threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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