so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
