Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I want a musical about memes.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
