i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
