I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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