wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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