If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
