sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
