My Higher Power is John Stamos
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This house was built for laser tag.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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