there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
