I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
