just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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