every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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