I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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