How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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