One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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