Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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