My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
